My Story
My story is not particularly unique. A history of negative body image (beginning at age 6) years of disordered eating patterns, a war on food, a war on myself.
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You name it, I’ve put my body and mind through it: purging, restriction, obsessive exercise, yo-yo dieting, and so on. I’ve spent days, weeks, months staring at myself in the mirror, scrutinizing every crevice of flesh, making endless arbitrary comparisons between myself and others. I’ve spent nearly my entire life with the belief that if I could somehow reduce my presence, my problems would go away. I would be successful, confident, and well-liked. I thought that control over my food would equate to control over my external circumstances. But even when I ‘succeeded’; when I was counting every single calorie (down to a single grape or blueberry), when the scale read a number lower than it had since I was twelve years old, when I was told by doctors, friends, and parents that it was hard to look at me because of how thin I was, I wasn’t content. In fact, I hated myself more than ever. My life was insular. Constantly fixated on food, numbers, and appearances. I couldn’t put effort into hobbies, spirituality, or relationships. I has lost my previous identity: a fun, bubbly girl who was constantly looking for excitement in her life. I turned rigid, isolated, uninspired. My depression, which had always been there but was combatable, was raging. Not wanting to get out of bed. Thinking that my body doesn't even deserve to be fed. Allowing the notion of wanting to die to surface as I walked the streets of beautiful European city on Christmas day. That was my life, and I thought I would never escape it.
But here’s the thing: That life is a life that nobody deserves. I would never, never treat a friend or loved one this way; so there’s no way that I am entitled to deprive and punish myself. The years I have spent at war with my body have been years entrenched in vanity, inadequacy, and fear. If I continue to give in to my eating disorder, I will not be able to life a full life. I will not be able to serve others, and I will not be able to fulfill any of my goals. So, lets raise a glass of bubbly this grant recover/rediscovery adventure. Hopefully, I can make the world a better place on the road to freedom. |
The girl behind the blog:
Some fun facts about me:
I'm a student, a daydreamer, an avid instagrammer, a lover of pretty coffee and pink wine. My friends are the absolute world. I'm an actress and a writer. I online shop a bit too much, wear 3 different kinds of mascara at all times, and am constantly looking to learn, expand my mind, and have new experiences. Lets be friends! |